Processing 30-yr-old Britney needs New Neural Pathways!

t’s going to happen very soon. Britney is going to enter her 30s. She says she can’t wait to get there, for all the great things she foresees in the next few years. But a fair proportion of her fans have difficuties in moving on from 2001 and can rarely see anything positive in anything she is, does or becomes. To them, there’s nothing to look forward to in her being 30. They’re getting ready to be dissatisfied over and over again until she finally retires.

To some of the youngest fans, a 30-year-old Britney will look like someone from an much older generation. When you’re a teenager, all ages over 30 kind of run together and are just “old”. When you’re in your 20s, it all becomes more desperate because you can see it coming for YOU. At midnight on your 30th birthday you suddenly stop being young. You don’t keep walking along the same road. Oh no. You fall over a precipice.

Already we see fans finding it difficult to accept that she isn’t 18 anymore. Their invariable reaction is to lash out and whine about how she “isn’t what she used to be”. Would this be a good moment to go “Duh”? Outside of the fanbase, people may be saying she’s still one of the hugest stars on the planet, back to her best, better than ever, yada yada. People may be saying she looks amazing in all of her recent public appearances and photoshoots, yada yada. The fans know better.

Quite honestly, I don’t know why they stick around. If everything about Britney makes you miserable, well.... your constant whingeing is making ME miserable too, so why not get the hell out and go cheer for Miley Cyrus? The old Britney ain’t never coming back. She will become increasingly adult, increasingly mature and gracious, increasingly experienced as a singer, but less edgy, less dangerous, less of a trainwreck, less of a media magnet, less.....fun. She won’t allow herself to look “trashy” again.

Her manner will be more dignified, calmer, quieter, more thoughtful. That’s what usually happens when you get older and realise what a loon you were in your 20s. Some fans will call this “robotic”. She’ll be energetic and hyperactive as always, but she’ll harness her energy and direct it in a more considered, more measured way. Even if you “free” Britney, she won’t be that crazy girl running around all over LA at night. Been there, done that. She doesn’t go back - that’s why SHE is looking forward.

She’s in a position now where she can look at things with perspective. All of the biggest influences on her life and career - Jamie, Larry, Adam, Jason - are grown-up men and all are wise and calm in their own ways. You can already see their influence on Britney. Her “people” won’t be able to treat her like a little girl anymore, even if they want to, and she won’t feel in the position of being made to keep running against her will, or of having to set herself uncomfortable goals. There will be space in her life when she wants it.

Her private life will be increasingly domesticated and relatively ordinary for a multi-millionaire. It’s been obvious for years that this little Southern girl has no appetite for showbiz shenannigans or famous friends, and that the biggest things in her life are her family, her boyfriend and God. Way back in 2004, Randy Taraborrelli wrote about how much she envied her childhood girlpals back in Louisiana for having such normal family lives, and now she’s in a position to be just like them.

I think we can be pretty sure that there’ll be a lot less “OMG” paparazzi moments, but more formal photoshoots, and if people want to complain about “photoshopping” that’s tough. All formal celebrity photoshoots are Photoshopped these days - literally all - so you can confidently compare like with like, even if you don’t know what any of the celebrities really look like. We will probably never get that Playboy photoshoot now, and our last chance to see Britney nude will be if she decides to shoot an uninhibited movie love scene.

She may be self-conscious about that, because her body will tend to look “heavier” or “thicker” than it did when she made “Crossroads”. Not necessarily fatter. Some people go back to stick-thin after childbirth, but Britney’s natural body shape was never stick thin (even though she’s occasionally made herself look that way) and it’s obvious that she has wider hips and heavier breasts now. In one of her earliest interviews, she predicted that in 10 years time her butt would have dropped to the floor, but it’s still one of the most delicious butts in showbiz, and her legs are ay-may-zing, so there’s still much to admire.

There will be further changes though, because she will get pregnant again, probably within the next two years (hands up those who never thought she could wait THIS long). Who knows what changes that will bring? Maybe she’ll always be quite a plump young lady after that, but with her traditional appetite for working out, I doubt it. We can only hope there won’t be another bout of post-partum depression - which is what some people claim was the beginning of her troubles in the first place.

One thing you can be sure of - her next pregnancy won’t be derided as an event in High Trash. The media mood music around Britney is totally different these days. She’s going to be over 30, she looks great, she’s made it through the rain, she’s a showbiz icon and the editorial comment on her next addition to the family will be greeted by the kind of gushingly appreciative editorial feature normally reserved for Beyonce.

Musically, there won’t be a massive transformation. Much as I’d love to hear Britney sing the kinds of song that make Rumer’s “Seasons of my Soul” possibly the most beautiful album I’ve ever listened to, I know it won’t happen. Like Madonna, she’ll push her music in many different directions and keep it at the cutting edge, but it will always be pop. She won’t suddenly morph into a country singer like Jessica Simpson, or start doing Broadway.

I just hope the fans can adjust their minds to all of this. Maybe create a few new neural pathways to help them process the concepts “Britney Spears” and “Over 30”. Maybe it would be easier if nostalgia was to relocate itself from 2001 to 2008? That way we could all see the next decade of Britney as the continuation of a Golden Age of personal transformation and amazing, non-stop music making.